THE LIGHTS OF ABUSED LIVES

People who have grown up in abusive circumstances, be it sexual abuse, mental cruelty, physical abuse, be it from parents, relatives or strangers, really any sort of abusive childhood, which also includes where domestic violence has been a long term issue. Through their childhood, they create what I will call 'lights.'

Over a period of many years, Blackpool has had a major problem with homelessness and runaways being drawn to the town in droves. One of the reasons is that it is a longing to revisit a memory, a time where at a point in their life they had a happy time, a long ago visit to the holiday town where they were happy and laughed, this was a 'light' that they have, in desperation, tried to re-ignite.

Lights can be anything, they can be a music track, a band, a movie, a tv series, a movie star, a celebrity, even a real friend or, in the case of Blackpool, a place. I have a friend on twitter, Jennifer, she has been the victim of several long term abuse issues including grooming, that there is really no need to discuss further. But to me, a person who also has lights, I spot hers, namely Bon Jovi who she still absolutely adores, posters, bedding, albums all contribute to her good place, because your lights stay with you, all your life, sometimes, you will think of them, and you feel the tears well up, not because you are sad, but in disappointment that sections of your life were so shit, that the happy, bright times that stick in your mind come from something, almost made up. Light's are a little like certain teachers, many of us can think back into our past and remember a teacher, or even other influential adult, who had a profound effect on our lives, you just know that without them, your life may have taken a different path, they may have encouraged you, or given you the confidence to pursue something you thought you weren't capable of. I contacted one of my lights once, in the UK he was a very big name in his time, I never expected to get a reply, but I did! He told me how he was so overwhelmed, how he obviously had fans and even some weird ones (they all do! Sean Bean has one who sends him art of her face half morphed into his!) But he had never in a million years even imagined the scenario I explained to him, about his being one of the few things that brought happiness to an abused child, I actually imagined him welling up when he wrote to me, the reply was so sincere, he also sent me a couple of items of signed memorabilia, and had covid not interfered, we would have met! If you are a celebrity, of any shape or form, please remember this and take note, some of us aren't eccentric nutters, and there are probably people out there who, were it not for you, would have had crapper lives than they already had. I imagine, if you were a teacher, and many years later, a middle aged person approached you, and took your hand, and said "Thank you, you were my teacher x number of years ago, you encouraged and influenced me to go on and fulfil my dreams, I did, and I will always be thankful for it", That would be probably be one of the greatest accolades that teacher had received. I don't talk about my own abuse much, I still suffer the effects, I chew my fingers to bits, it's called dermatophagia apparently, and it's an OCD thing related to self harming, I've done it as long as I can remember, but as a child of an abusive parent it's hardly surprising. He once picked up my sister and threw her down onto an earthenware tiled kitchen floor, if you had an injury, he'd threaten, and actually squeeze it or poke it if you didn't comply, he would call us names, belittle us, hit us, throw our toys in the dustbin, he regularly had huge arguments with our mother and for some totally fucked up reason he would take all the jars etc out of the cupboards and smash them in the sink! Our mum would have to clean up a sink full of broken glass mixed with salad cream, piccalilli, coffee, jam, ketchup, brown sauce, the list is endless! I still can not fathom how a Father can actually do that to his own children, and the very best excuse I can think of for our Mother, letting this happen, is that she was scared of him!