Not Always As They Appear

Why do I go after those who enable groomers? Why do I relate to the abused?

Why do I hate bullies? People are not always how they appear to you, in fact many aren't, many of us have our demons, just some are worse than others. I am in my mid fifties now, my father was a complete bastard! He was a horrible man, an alcoholic, a bully and a wife beater, despite his outward appearances of a respectable average bloke. He bullied me and my older sister from us being very young, he'd just walk past you and hit you for nothing, just say walking past you from the kitchen to the living room, and smack you on the head! You hadn't done anything wrong and could be just sat minding your own business, I soon became one of those kids who flinches when people made sudden arm movements! one of his favourite games was to pin us down and pour Tabasco sauce in our mouths! Yes, you read that right. He thought it was hilarious us running to the tap flooding our mouths with water frantically trying to get rid of the burning. He called us names all the time, in fact, I came home from school on one occasion obviously upset, my parents got it out of me that I had been bullied and called hurtful names, worst thing I did was to say what the names were because then my father added those to the list of names he already called me! He used to batter our mum in front of us, constantly tell me and my sister how worthless we were and would never amount to anything, he'd randomly go in my sisters bedroom and rip any posters off her wall and screw them up and gather any make up she had and throw it in the bin! He one picked her up and threw her down on a tiled kitchen floor! Even meal times weren't a break, I would have my plate in front of me, and he would just take a sausage, or other grabbable piece of food off my plate and eat it whilst looking at me, how sad really that this grown man, had to assert his dominance so much over a child, and his own child at that! I loved Lego as a kid, I still think it's one of the best toys ever invented, what's not to love about Lego? I would spend literally hours, quiet as a mouse, annoying nobody, building my latest creation, regularly, he would wait, and at the point where I was almost finished, he would walk over and break it all up! Remembering this and writing it down, not only do I have tears in my eyes but I think what an absolute fucking arsehole this poor excuse for a parent really was, yet still, in part he has control over me, even now. He emptied the dustbin in my room when I was a kid because my room was untidy. I had God knows how many toys thrown in the bin. because, as any child does, I left toys lying around, he would randomly gather them all up and just throw them in the bin! He'd smash things up in the house, I have no idea why, one of his favourites was to take all the jars and cartons of food out of the kitchenette (no fitted kitchens back then) and just smash them all up in the sink! No, I have no idea why either! I obviously played up, had a few behaviour issues, but I never, ever once got in trouble from the police, I have no criminal record whatsoever, I do remember once that I sold my train set in a second hand shop and bought a chemistry set that I kept secret, but when I did get found out I was knocked to the ground and kicked several times, I was 10 He used to scream at me why I did whatever I'd done this time, I would be just in a panic, knowing what was coming, "I don't know" I'd say, then there'd be two options, hit along with "Do you know now?" or "well you'd best get to your room and not show your face till you do know!". Or then there'd be the pre-empted "what did you do that for and don't give me that 'you don't know' routine!" The plain fact was, I didn't know, how should a child know why they've done something stupid, they just do it, don't they? My sister got married young, that was her escape, it didn't last long that first marriage of hers but it got her out, thing was, I was left behind! She's not as badly damaged by it as I am, he was even still at it up to me being 21! People thought I was a spoilt brat sometimes because of my behaviour and I was always being bought things, in fact I got bought all sorts. I know now that that was simply him trying to fix his guilt, and my behaviour, well. I'm just so glad I'm not the person he was, I have issues, but not the sort he had, just the sort he gave me! The thing is, you then try harder to get positive attention from other kids, but they think you are a big head or a know it all or a bragger, which, although you might be, it's a cry out for people to look up to you because your father doesn't, kids need attention. Preferably not the sort of attention like regularly screaming at your mother and hitting her in front of you, or even smashing things up, like a car yes you read that right, he hit our car with a lump hammer, no idea why, back then, it was common for TV's to have indoor aerials, he smashed that up once because my mum was looking forward to a film with her favourite actor in it! Hate is one of the strongest and most awful words in our vocabulary when used in it's correct context, it is the polar opposite of love! Trust me, nothing generates hate as much as belittling, disrespecting and beating a child's mother in front of them on a regular basis I actually remember regularly wishing I was dead as a child too, I took 20 paracetamols before school one morning when I was about 8 or 9, at that age I thought that was enough, obviously it wasn't. I well up if I see on TV or in films where the father hugs a child, tells them he loves them or he's proud of them, I cry my eyes out at the karate kid films, which yes, sounds odd, but those films started in my 20's as I was starting to break away from him and were about a kid who was bullied and then taken in and cared for and respected by a true father figure, you see the connection. As I've got older it's gotten worse, although I've always had a self destruct mode, it's like I get some where in life, start to be successful, then I shut it down, it's like he's still there forcing me to fail. My fingers are full of marks because I constantly bite the skin off them. The knuckles of my thumbs are a bit odd because of it, I've done it as long as I can remember, oddly it goes in phases, are they sore? Yes, but it doesn't stop me.

I am not the bastard my father was but I do struggle in my relationships with my now grown up kids because, well, I didn't have the best example! When I say struggle, I have NEVER mistreated my kids, I just feel that I don't give them the emotional support I should, or be as close to them as I should, and that troubles me too. I cant remember my father EVER telling me he loved me or that he was proud of me. I completely cut him off in my 20's and haven't seen him since, no idea if he's alive or dead, and don't care. My mother got rid of him at the same time, that was long overdue. Another thing that causes is me worry, although my kids are grown up, if they have any issues, is it my fault? Was I not a good enough Dad, because I had to teach myself, I obviously wasn't taught what a good dad was, the only experience I got was watching my friends relationships with their dads, and often wishing they were my dad too! You'd expect all this to get better with time, but it hasn't. It kills me sometimes these people who talk about abuse victims and they say it's like this and it's like that, and sometimes I just think, you haven't got a fucking clue! Unless it's happened to you, you have no idea! The areas that it really affects you, was everything that's gone wrong in my life down to me because I'm fucking useless? Does my son/daughter have this issue because I wasn't a good enough dad to them? Am I a shit husband because I can be withdrawn and am not so open and bottle things up? Am I really a miserable unsocial bastard because I don't really mix with people?

I've only ever had one best friend, he sadly died in the late 90's, I have never had and never will have a friend like that, in fact anybody would be fortunate to have someone like him, people used to think we were brothers because where there was one, the other was nearby, I still miss the daft bugger. He knew all about the abuse, I have trust issues, well, I have people issues really, I don't generally like people, of any sort, and I cant be in crowds, dogs make better friends than people. One of the odd things, they say many funny people, comedians etc suffer from depression in their real lives, for me, I appear confident online, I suppose I'm the personification of a keyboard warrior, I can be a sociable, funny, affable bloke on line. To an extent I can do it in real life too, but like the comedians, it's a mask. To this day I will never understand why my mother stayed with him as long as she did! My mother never, ever mistreated me, and she got far too much of the fallout from me as a result of what he did, but I just can not fathom a woman who lets a father get away with treating her children like that. She died some years ago, the cancer got her, I'll never get to ask those questions. I chastised my youngest son once, rather harshly, he was about 15 and, what he'd done was bad, he stormed out of the house telling me he hated me, that comment absolutely cut me to the bone, he had no idea how much he had trivialised that word, and how, it took me back to my own childhood, and if only he knew......

It didn't quite end there, he had a final swansong. On the night of my marriage to my still current wife about 30 years ago, which he wasn't invited to by the way, my father had first rung my brother in law and fed him a line before getting out of him what hotel myself and my wife were staying in. Then he rang the hotel and spoke to my wife and basically told her what a mistake she was making and I was a useless piece of crap and she was an idiot and yadda yadda before she put the phone down on him! I hope I haven't bored you to death with this, and I hope that anyone who reads this who has similar issues, realises they are not alone.